Melancholic Thoughts

I wander through my apartment at night, hoping for an answer to my questions that have tormented me for countless times. The YouTube videos in which I often sought answers or found distraction are hollow and empty.

My thoughts circle in my head, making concentration difficult. Plagued by illnesses that have painfully and exhaustively affected my body, they have now also gained access to my psyche. Now everything demands its toll. The whole months in which I continued despite receiving little support.

Underrated, denied, branded, stamped, betrayed, misunderstood, and much more. Yes, I have taken all of this upon myself because I had a noble goal. But how to continue, creating something out of nothing each time? I am tired and powerless. Once more, I stretch my head out of the window and the wind blows in my face.

My gaze directed towards the sky, I send my questions in thought to the dark firmament. “Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? Why can’t I be like others?” What others amuse themselves with and laugh about, I can barely muster a smile.

While others think about house, car, and their next vacation, I ponder more substantial matters. “Where do we come from? Where are we going? What is beyond our spectrum? How do we solve worldly problems?” I have already tried to work with others, but either it progresses slowly or I am clearly shown how little my ideas or implementations are worth.

Hope! How can one have hope when everything one does is worth nothing? How can one continue when one lacks the strength and courage to go on? Clichés that are attempts at cheerfulness or even destructive outpourings from individuals who possess no empathy, please keep this to yourselves. I am not looking for pity or support. I aim to show how exhausting and how convoluted thoughts can be in life when one is different or feels differently.

What it is like when food has no taste anymore. When nothing has meaning or purpose. What it is like when one desperately tries to find a basis for existence. I feel empty, as empty as conversations about the weather and politics. I am too weak to endure ego-driven chatter any longer. I am tired of the misery that surrounds me and only a few are willing to change anything about it. I am fed up with seeing people chase ideologies and false leaders while the sincere are overlooked.

Hope! That people will change or even the world?

That everything will get better on its own? That people will return to their roots and the appearance gives way to being?

When one is spiritually closer to death than to life because everything seems too heavy and completely meaningless. How can hope be close then?

I hope you are not expecting any solutions or encouraging words now. I merely point out through which deep emotional valley I often wander. If you also feel similarly, know that you are not alone. Life goes on, but at what price?

Dark Thoughts by Mario Henninger copyright 2026